Chapter 2 - Vol 2

Chapter 2
It's already autumn, yet for some reason, the weather's hardly cool. It's as if the planet has its
seasons all wrong and had forgotten to bring autumn over to Japan. The summer heat has now
been indefinitely extended, and unless someone comes and hits a home run, it's unlikely this will
end soon. Even if it does, one gets the feeling that autumn would still be shoved aside by winter
anyway when it comes.
"We might be late already." Haruhi said, so we packed our bags and left the school. Haruhi
hurriedly ran along the long winding slope. Just where is she headed? I would understand if we
were headed for the Computer Study Group since, after all, we're a mysterious club that has
existed for six months without anyone even knowing what the founding principle is. Being
driven out would be a logical end for us.
We descended from the hill and rode on the local suburban railway. Three stops later, we've
arrived at the area with the cherry blossom path that Asahina and I had walked along together at
one time. This place contains a supermarket complex and a shopping street, and because of such,
is quite a busy and crowded spot.
"Right here."
Haruhi finally stopped and pointed to an electronics store.
"I see," I replied.
She's probably going to blackmail the store for their movie equipment.
I wonder how she's going to do it?
"You two wait here, while I go in and negotiate."
Haruhi shoved her bag at me and walked into the glass-covered store without any hesitation.
Asahina hid behind me, constantly peeking at the store, which was illuminated by all the lighting
equipment. She was like a shy elementary school kid visiting her friend's place for the first time.
As I look at the back of Haruhi, waving her arms and talking to what seemed to be the store
manager, my desire to protect Asahina became strong. If Haruhi tries anything funny, I'm going
to carry Asahina under my arms and run off at once.
Through the glass, Haruhi talked and pointed her finger first at the equipment, then at herself,
and then at the manager. Meanwhile the manager nodded nonstop. I wonder whether I should
warn him to not believe what she says so easily?
After a while, Haruhi turned around and pointed her finger towards us, who were already
prepared to escape if anything went wrong. She then gave a warm smile, waved her arms, and
continued her presentation.
"What is she doing...?" Asahina asked, as she stood behind me, sticking her head out and
retracting it again. If even Asahina, a time traveler from the future, doesn't know the answer, then
there's no chance that I would know.
"Who knows? Probably demanding for them to hand her their best digital camera for free."
She's the sort of person who can do such a thing without even flinching. Since she truly believes
herself to be the center of the universe with everything else revolving around her.
"What a bother."
I remember discussing something similar with Nagato before.
Haruhi believes her values and judgment to be absolute. She does not understand what others
think, or realize that they may think differently, or rather, it has never occurred to her that her
way of thinking may be completely different from others’ since the beginning.
If people want to achieve time travel, just put Haruhi on a spaceship. Since she probably
wouldn't give a damn about the Theory of Relativity anyway.
As I mentioned this to Nagato, all that the silent alien said was, "Your opinion may be correct."
For Nagato, this is very meaningful. For others, Suzumiya Haruhi is a joke.
"Oh, it seems like they're done."
Asahina's whisper brought me back to reality from my daydreams.
Haruhi emerged from the electronics store with a satisfied look, carrying a small box in her arms.
There was a picture of the product by the side of the box with a brand name. If I'm not mistaken,
that was a camera all right.
Just what threats did she use to intimidate the opposition?
Did she threaten to burn the store down? Or maybe start a boycott campaign? Or perhaps to send
them prank faxes all night? Or to start a tantrum right there? Could she even have threatened to
blow herself up along with the store?
"Don't be ridiculous! I'm not the sort to resort to blackmail!"
Haruhi walked along happily, under the glass roof of the shopping street.
"We've now completed the first step! This is too easy!"
I was forced to carry the box containing the camera while I followed Haruhi. I looked at Haruhi's
hair flowing behind her back and asked, "How did you manage to obtain such an expensive
item? Is it because you discovered the manager's dirty secrets?"
Indeed, the first words Haruhi said when she emerged from the store were, "We got it!" If the
manager was so willing to give things away, I'm willing to queue up as well. So please, tell me
the magic words you used!
Haruhi turned and smiled, "It was nothing really! I said I wanted to make a movie and needed a
camera, and he said ‘Okay.’ There was no problem at all."
I felt that even though things were going smoothly now, it wouldn't end so easily. Could I be
worrying too much?
"Don't sweat the small stuff, just happily be my servant and things will be fine!"
Unfortunately, up until now, I still held the uneasy feeling from this spring, of boarding a cruise
ship called the Titanic. I wanted to send out an SOS signal, but sadly, I don't know Morse code,
and I'm not the sort of person who can be glad at being called a servant.
I was forced to carry the box containing the camera while I followed Haruhi.
"All right! Now for the next store!"
In the bustling crowd, Haruhi waved her arms and strode forward. I exchanged glances with
Asahina, and then hurriedly followed along behind Haruhi.
Haruhi next visited a toy and model store.
As before, Asahina and I were left outside while she went in to negotiate. I was beginning to
have an idea of what she was up to, since every time she pointed out towards us, her finger was
always directed towards Asahina. If I’m guessing correctly, she must be using Asahina as some
sort of bargaining chip. Asahina has yet to realize this, as she was curiously studying a globe on
display in the window.
A few minutes later, Haruhi came out carrying a huge box with her. What is it this time?
"A weapon," Haruhi replied, and shoved the box to me. I looked carefully and saw it was a
plastic model; it looks like a gun-shaped weapon. What does she want with this stuff?
"We'll need this for the action scenes, the gun fights that is! An intense battle is the basic
ingredient for any entertaining movie. If it's possible, I want to blow up an entire building as
well. Do you know where they sell explosives? I wonder if the hardware store has them."
How the hell should I know? At least I know you won't find them in the convenience stores or on
the internet. Maybe they have some in the stone quarry... I had wanted to remind Haruhi of this,
but quickly dispelled the thought, mainly because she would probably go there in the middle of
the night and steal some dynamite and wires for herself.
I lowered the camera and plastic model boxes and shook my head.
"What should we do with these boxes?"
"You take them home first, and then bring them to the club room tomorrow. It's too troublesome
taking it back to school now."
"Me?"
"Yes, you."
Haruhi crossed her arms and gave a benevolent expression. That was a smile rarely seen in the
classroom, and reserved only for the SOS Brigade, and every time Haruhi makes such a smile, I
always had to take care of the rest. Just what was I to her?
"Excuse me..."
Asahina politely raised her arm,
"What should I be doing...?"
"You can go home now, Mikuru-chan. Your work is done for today."
Asahina blinked her eyes and had the look some one that had just been possessed by a fox. Since
all Asahina ever did today was blindly follow Haruhi and me, she probably doesn't know why
Haruhi had asked her to come along, though I could guess what Haruhi was up to.
Haruhi walked energetically like a gym instructor and led us to the station. It seems like today's
Haruhi-ist activity was coming to an end. The loot included a camera and a few toy guns. Rather
than by skillful negotiation, Haruhi probably obtained these through very unorthodox means. The
expenses were zero. In other words, we got them for free.
There used to be a saying, "There's nothing more terrifying than not needing to pay." The thing
is, Haruhi doesn't seem to care. If someone knows something that would make her terrified,
please, do let me know.
The next day, besides my bag, I had to carry some excess baggage up the slope.
"Hey, Kyon! What are you carrying? Some present for a certain model student?"
Running towards my side is Taniguchi, a classmate of Haruhi's and mine, a very simple singlecelled
organism, and as normal a high school student as you can find anywhere. Normal is such a
great description for him. Right now, for me, normalcy is a rare commodity since this word
represents the magic of the language used in reality.
I hesitated for a while, and then stuffed the lighter of the two supermarket bags into Taniguchi's
arms.
"What the hell's this, a toy gun? I didn't know you had such hobbies."
"It's not my hobby, it's Haruhi's."
I then gave Taniguchi a brief explanation, but Taniguchi was quite right in treating this as an odd
hobby.
"I find it hard to imagine Suzumiya breaking this up and then reassembling and preserving it."
I too, found it hard to imagine, so who else besides Haruhi can break up and reassemble these
things? I might as well tell everyone that when I was young, I attempted to assemble a toy robot,
but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't attach its right shoulder and I threw it away out of
frustration.
"You sure have it tough."
Taniguchi said in a tone that didn't sound sympathetic at all,
"Up to now, the only person capable of protecting Suzumiya has been you. This I can guarantee,
so you'd better stick with her."
What the hell are you talking about? There's no way I would want to stick with Haruhi! The one
I should be sticking around with is Asahina. I'm sure everyone would feel the same.
Taniguchi giggled like a gremlin.
"Ah, that won't do, after all, she's the little angel of North High, the solace for the hearts of all the
guys. If you don't want to be stuffed in a sack by half of the school, I suggest that you'd better
watch your step. I don't suppose you'd like for me to stab you in the back with a knife, would
you?"
All right, then I'll go with the second best and pick Nagato.
"That won't do either. She may not look like it, but she has a lot of hidden admirers. How come
she stopped wearing glasses? Has she switched to contacts?"
"Hmm… why don't you ask her yourself?"
"Ask? Up to now, no matter how hard I tried, she has ignored everything I've said. Everyone in
Nagato's class firmly believes that a single word she says is enough to determine the fate of the
day."
Stop treating Nagato like a god. What sort of superstition is this? She may not be ordinary, but
for her standards, she's actually quite normal. Though I don't really know what her standards are.
"Anyway, you fit well with Suzumiya. Only you can carry out a decent conversation with that
idiot. So keep a good eye on her and minimize the casualties to as low as possible. Oh yeah, the
school festival is coming up, what huge event are you guys planning for then?"
"Don't ask me."
I'm not the spokesperson for the SOS Brigade, but Taniguchi continued, "Even if I asked
Suzumiya, she would just answer with something cryptic, and if I don't time my question
correctly, I might even get attacked by her. As for Nagato Yuki, you won't get anything out of
her no matter what’s being asked, while Asahina is off limits, as I'll probably be lynched by a
mob if I tried to talk with her. So in the end, I had to ask you."
He sure is good at making excuses. According to him, I'm just mister nice guy.
"Aren't you? You look like the sort of person who would continue walking forward with her,
even when you know a cliff awaits you ahead."
As we got near the school entrance, I snatched the bag from Taniguchi's arms while looking
quite irritated.
I don't know what lies ahead in the midst of Haruhi's madness, but I don't think it can be
anything good. Yet, I'm not the only one walking with Haruhi in this perilous journey. There are
at least three others with me. Two of them can probably take care of themselves, but Asahina
would be in great danger since she has no idea what to expect. It's as though she isn't from the
future at all. But that's also where her charm lies.
"Which is why," I explained to Taniguchi, "Someone needs to protect her."
Ah, that's more like what a male protagonist should be saying. Though I'm just protecting her
from Haruhi's sexual harassment. That's all.
I calmly continued, "Since I was given this chance, I have to protect her. I don't care what the
rest of the guys in school say, be my guest if you want to form a gentleman's alliance or
something like that."
Taniguchi continued to giggle like a gremlin.
"You'd better tread carefully, since every month is a new month."
After leaving the sort of blackmail threat a conniving thief would use, Taniguchi walked past the
school entrance.
As I carried my baggage and headed towards the corridor outside the classroom, I saw Haruhi
stuffing her things into her locker. I proceeded to put the camera equipment and model toy guns
into my stainless steel locker as well.
"Kyon, we're gonna be busy today."
Without even saying good morning, Haruhi slammed her locker door and gave me a smile as
warm as early spring.
"Mikuru-chan, Yuki, and even Koizumi-kun, I won't allow you guys to have any complaints!
The movie script in my mind has now neared completion. I can even hear it rumble; now all that
remains is to just put it on screen."
"Really?"
I casually replied, and entered the classroom. My seat is the second from last of the row. Since
the school term began, we've changed seats many times already, but so far I've never been
allocated the seat in the back since Haruhi always ends up sitting there behind me. I'm beginning
to feel that it's too unnatural to be coincidental, yet I still wanted to believe that it was all just a
coincidence.
If I don't tell myself that, I would lose faith in the word "coincidence," I sure am kind. I'm sure
anyone who gets involved with Haruhi would believe the same as I do. I'm like a midfielder in
charge of intercepting any ball that's not controlled by either side, while Haruhi is a hyperattacking
striker standing in an offside position and running towards the goal. She's probably so
offside that the nearest opponent is miles away, so even if she does get the ball, the linesman
would have no choice but to raise the offside flag.
For Haruhi, she'd probably say that's the linesman's mistake. She would say with a straight face
that something is wrong with the rules and then proceed to pick up the ball, run past the goal
posts, and declare that she's scored a point. If that's the case, I suggest she stay away from rugby.
In order to deal with her inconsiderate attitude, the best way is to just pretend nothing ever
happened and quietly leave the crime scene. Or to just give up on struggling and obey whatever
she says.
Besides me, most of the classmates have chosen the former option.
So after the sixth session, with one more class to go, Okabe-sensei and the other students all had
nothing to say about the seat behind me being empty. Did they not notice? Or did they choose
not to notice? Or perhaps they just couldn't be bothered to waste their time worrying about such
things? At any rate, everyone has agreed that it's best to leave her alone, so it's no longer
important to know why.
I walked towards the clubroom with an ominous feeling, carrying the bag containing the boxes,
and stopping before the Literature Club room.
I thought I heard something. The "Ahh’s!" are the cute screams of Asahina, while the "Waah’s!"
are the chilling yells of Haruhi. Here we go again.
If I opened the door now, I would probably see very pleasant scenery, but as a man with common
sense, I held back my desires and quietly waited outside.
After about five minutes, the soft screams of resistance have finally subsided, as it always ends
with Haruhi putting her arms on her waist and smiling victoriously. Like a rabbit that can never
defeat a snake, there's no way Asahina can ever defeat Haruhi.
I knocked on the door.
"Come in!"
Haruhi's energetic reply echoed through the door. I tried to guess what was contained within the
paper bags that she brought this morning, while opening the door, and entering the clubroom. As
expected, Haruhi's victorious smile greeted me, but I was already tired of that expression. I
turned my gaze towards the person sitting before Haruhi on a steel chair, and I felt my
temperature rising instantly.
A waitress was sitting right there, looking at me with watery eyes.
"..."
Her hair a bit messy, the waitress lowered her head and kept silent like Nagato. Haruhi had the
waitress's brown hair tied into two ponytails. Amazingly, Nagato was nowhere to be seen.
"So how is it?"
Haruhi snorted and asked me. What's with that face telling me it's all thanks to you? Asahina's
cuteness is a god-given gift, yet...
I actually think she looks great in this costume. I wonder what Asahina thinks? She wouldn't
disagree with me having such thoughts, would she? Though, isn't her skirt a bit too short?
Like 100% pure fruit juice, Asahina the waitress clutched her hands and placed them tightly on
her fists and sat stiffly.
This costume looks perfect on you; it's as if it were made especially for you. Thanks to this, I
silently stared at Asahina for thirty seconds. Suddenly someone patted my shoulders and nearly
had me jumping in fright.
"Sorry about yesterday. We still have to revise the script today, but I insisted on leaving early
since I didn't have the opportunity to prepare with you guys from beginning to end yesterday."
Koizumi smiled with his handsome face and then glanced in the clubroom over my shoulder.
"Hi."
He smiled cheerfully.
"This costume..."
Koizumi walked past me, placed his bag on the table and sat down on one of the steel chairs.
"Suits you wonderfully."
He gave his most direct opinion. Well, everyone knows about that. What I don't understand is
what is a waitress is doing here in a crummy old room instead of in a cafe or restaurant.
"That's because," Haruhi said, "I wanted Mikuru-chan to wear this costume in the movie."
What’s wrong with the maid costume?
"Maids only do certain tasks for the rich in their mansions. Waitresses are different, they appear
on the street corner, or in some store, and provide all sorts of services to the mass public at an
hourly rate of 730 Yen."
I don't know if that hourly rate is considered high or low, but at any rate, I don't think Asahina
would dress up as a maid just so she can work in some mansion. It's a different story if Haruhi
actually pays for her services though.
"Stop picking at the small details! It all has to do with how you feel, and I feel this looks good."
You may think so, but what about Asahina?
"Umm... Suzumiya-san... I think this costume is a bit small for me..."
Asahina's probably worried about her panties showing, since she's tightly pressing the edge of
her skirt down. But doing this only serves to unsettle me further, and before I knew it, my eyes
were transfixed upon that spot.
"I think this suits you just fine."
It took a lot of effort to move my gaze away and fix it towards Haruhi, who was smiling like a
beautiful flower blossoming in the middle of a forest. Haruhi aimed her pupils, which can only
see what's before them, to me.
"The concept for our movie this time is..."
She pointed towards Asahina's shivering back.
"This."
What do you mean "this”? You want to make a documentary of a girl working part-time in a
teashop?
"No! There's not much fun in making a candid camera show of Mikuru-chan's daily life. We've
got to make a movie about the daily life of an extraordinary person, only then can the movie be
attractive. Making a documentary about the daily life of an ordinary high school student is just
satisfying one's ego."
I don't think that Asahina would be satisfied by making this movie. I believe someone else needs
to have their ego satisfied, and I believe that Asahina's daily life is already extraordinary enough,
but I decided to keep quiet.
"As the director of the SOS Brigade, I will carry out the mission to entertain the masses. Just you
wait! I will make everyone give me a standing ovation!"
Looking carefully, I realized Haruhi's "Commander" armband had now been replaced with the
word "Director." Such a meticulous person.
An excited female director, a depressed lead actress, and a lead actor smiling enigmatically as
though he's only a bystander, I really don't know how to describe this scene. At this moment, the
clubroom door opened.
“…”
I thought it was someone else, and for a moment my mind was filled with terror. I thought my
short life had finally come to an end, since even Death had come to receive me. I even thought I
was in the backstage of the movie where Salieri slowly destroyed Mozart as he composed his
Requiem.
“…”
Nagato's usual pale face silently emerged from the doorway. She only showed her face, while her
body was shrouded in darkness.
I wasn't the only one frightened into silence, Haruhi and Asahina weren't any better, even
Koizumi's usual smile carried a bit of fearfulness in it. Nagato was wearing a strange costume
that even Asahina would feel startled in. She had covered herself with a black cloak, wearing an
equally pitch black pointed hat, a recognizable witch outfit.
Under our petrified gaze, Nagato, who was dressed like Death, silently walked to her reserved
seat by the corner, took out her bag and hard-back book from under her cloak, and placed it on
the table.
Ignoring our stunned glances, she began to read her book.
Looks like this would be the costume used for divinations for her class during the school festival.
Being the first to recover from the shock, Haruhi bombarded Nagato with a series of questions.
From her monosyllabic replies, we came to this conclusion: there must be a talented fashion
designer in her class to be able to make Nagato enjoy wearing this costume around.
Nagato entered the room in such a terrifying doll-like costume, has she secretly decided to
compete with Asahina-san in her own way? Her logic is even harder to understand than Haruhi's!
Under this silent atmosphere which no dared to speak, only Haruhi exclaimed excitedly,
"So you've finally got the hang of it, Yuki? This costume is excellent!"
Nagato slowly moved her eyes towards Haruhi and then returned her gaze to her book.
"This costume matches exactly with my character concept! Do tell me later who designed this
costume for you, I'd like to send him a telegraph to thank him for his efforts!"
Oh please, sending him a congratulatory telegraph would just make him even more suspicious,
worrying whether there's some hidden meaning to it. Can't you objectively notice how everyone
else thinks of you?
Haruhi was already in seventh heaven. Humming the Turkish Rondo, she opened her bag and
took out a few pieces of printed paper. She then handed the papers to each of us, while beaming
like Kintarou who had just beaten the black bear.
I had no choice but to direct my gaze towards the piece of paper.
On it was scribbled the following:
"Battle Waitress - The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru (Working Title)"
- Cast
- Asahina Mikuru - the Battle Waitress from the future
- Koizumi Itsuki - the Esper youth
- Nagato Yuki - the evil alien
- Extras - everyone else
......Oh god, what on earth is this? She actually guessed them all correctly.
I was totally shocked. I did not know whether she had amazing skills of deductions, or she
simply guessed blindly and got them all correct. I even suspected that she pretended not to know.
To be able to make such correct judgments out of the blue, just what kind of power was that?
I was speechless for a moment, and only came to my senses when I heard someone giggling
besides me. That could only be Koizumi,
"Oh, I see......"
He seemed rather pleased; I really am envious of him.
"How should I say this? As expected from Suzumiya-san perhaps? Only Suzumiya-san could
have come up with such characters, simply amazing."
Don't smile at me like that, you're making me uncomfortable.
Asahina-san gripped the stack of A4 paper with her hands, which were trembling as she stared at
the contents.
"Ah......"
She exclaimed softly and looked at me, carrying an expression as though asking to be rescued. I
looked carefully and noticed her eyes carried a sense of extreme sadness with a bit of
reproachfulness, like a kind big sister berating a young kid for pulling a naughty prank......Ah,
now I remember. After what happened six months ago, I told Haruhi about their true identities.
Um, oh dear. Was it my fault?
I frantically looked at Nagato, and saw that the alien-created Living Humanoid Interface,
wearing her black cloak and pointy hat......
"......"
Was still silently reading her book.
"It's not that big of a problem."
Koizumi said optimistically, I wasn't even in the mood to laugh.
"I know it's not funny, but it's not all that gloomy."
"How do you know?"
"Because this is only a character allocation for the movie. Suzumiya-san doesn't really believe
that I'm an esper, it's only in the fictional movie world that the character Koizumi Itsuki, played
by me, happens to be an esper."
Koizumi sounded like a personal tutor lecturing at a student with a short-term memory.
"The Koizumi Itsuki in the real world and this 'Koizumi Itsuki' are two different people. I don't
suppose that you would confuse me with the character I play. Even if someone were to confuse
between the two, it wouldn't be Suzumiya-san."
"I just can't relax. No one can guarantee that what you say is correct."
"If she had confused the real world with a fictional one, this world would have become a science
fiction realm already. I've said it before, Suzumiya-san may not look like it, but she does think
logically within the confines of reality."
Of course I also knew that because Haruhi's way of thinking was always in half-fantasy mode,
that was why I always got involved in all sorts of peculiar events. To top it all, the perpetrator
Haruhi was not even aware of it herself.
"Because we offered no proof."
Koizumi said calmly,
"Perhaps one day things will develop to an extent where her awareness will become inevitable,
but that's not the case now. It's good that the forces Asahina-san and Nagato-san represent think
the same way as well, so I believe it's fine if we keep it like this forever."
I thought so too, since I don't want to see the world getting messed up. It would be a pity if the
world ends before I could even have a chance of beating the video game that comes out next
week.
Koizumi continued smiling,
"Instead of worrying about the world, you should take care of yourself more. It's possible for me
and Nagato-san to be replaced with someone else easily, but not you."
In order not to let Koizumi see my now complex thoughts, I pretended to concentrate on loading
the toy gun.
Today, Haruhi spent the time having Asahina-san try out the costume, announced the character
allocation for everyone, and then called it a day. In fact, she had planned to drag Asahina-san,
dressed in her waitress costume, everywhere around school, and then open a press conference to
promote her movie. But as Asahina-san was close to tears, I tried everything to make her drop
that idea. I told her in this high school, there was no News Society, or Journalist Society, and
definitely no Advertising Society. Haruhi looked at me, her lips sticking out like a bird's beak,
and looked down and said,
"Yeah, you're right."
I never thought she would back off so quickly.
"It's better to keep things secret until the last moment. Kyon, you're quite smart for your level of
intelligence. It'll be troublesome if things were to leak out beforehand."
This isn't some Hollywood or Hong Kong action movie; no one would be interested in stealing
your weird ideas.
"Then Kyon, you're responsible for making sure that gun is up and ready by today, because
shooting starts tomorrow. You need to learn how to use a camera as well. Oh yeah, you need to
look for software that could upload the video clip onto the computer for digital editing, and......"
And so, Haruhi shoved a whole load of work to me and went home humming the tune of "The
Great Escape."
She really knows how to give people a lot of trouble no matter how they are feeling. Seriously!
So right now, Koizumi and I are busy reading the instruction manual and figuring out how to fire
the BB bullets from the toy gun.
After changing, Asahina-san went home with her shoulders drooped low. Nagato also
disappeared without even taking her bag in that witch costume as though being invited for the
Sabbath. Looks like Nagato only came to show us her costume. Judging by her style, there may
be some meaning for her to do that, though it's also possible she only came just to visit. She's
probably busy doing something in her classroom, like predicting the future with her crystal ball.
I had a feeling the school was getting livelier day after day. Every day after school, the trumpets
in the third-rate orchestra stopped going out of tune and began to be in synch; there were also
people cutting up plywood and balsa in every hidden corner of the school; while the number of
students dressed up in weird costumes like Nagato's was increasing every day.
Yet, this was only a school activity held by a simple prefectural high school, it doesn't seem like
it would be a big thrill. In my opinion, only half the school at most were still trying hard to make
their school life more enjoyable. Our class, 1-5, on the other hand, had long abandoned trying to
have fun at the festival. Those students without any club affiliations would probably have plenty
of time to spare by then, and Taniguchi and Kunikida were perfect representatives of the "Go
Home After School Club."
"This school festival,"
Taniguchi began.
It was during lunch break, I was hanging out with these two insignificant side characters as we
ate our boxed lunches.
"What about the school festival?"
Kunikida asked, Taniguchi revealed a smile that was pathetically hideous compared to Koizumi's
elegant smile,
"Sure is a super event."
Could you please not sound like Haruhi!? The smile from Taniguchi's face faded suddenly,
"Yet it has nothing to do with me, that sure pisses me off."
"Why is that?"
Kunikida asked.
"I don't think it's fun at all. And those people that look busy sure tick me off, especially those
where the guys are paired with the girls. Makes me want to kill them!"
I guess this is what they call a jealous rage?
"What about our class? Holding a survey? Hmph! That's way too boring! It's just going to be
stupid questions about what's your favourite colours! What's the point of collecting such
information anyway?"
If you're so dissatisfied, why don't you suggest something else then? Maybe then Haruhi
wouldn't have had the time to go make a movie.
Taniguchi swallowed a sausage and said,
"I'm not going to get myself in trouble by making such suggestions. Sigh, I don't mind making
suggestions, it's just that I would be put in charge of the event if the suggestion is followed."
Kunikida stopped cutting his rolled cake and said, "You're right."
"It's only the foolish that would dare come out with any suggestions, or those with a strong sense
of responsibility, like if Asakura-san were still here."
He mentioned the name of the student that had moved to Canada. I would still break a cold sweat
every time I hear that name. Though it was Nagato that made Asakura disappear, I was the cause
of her departure. I also did nothing to prevent her from disappearing back then, so it's too late to
regret it now.
"Man, this is such a pity," Taniguchi said, "Why did that perfect, bright student leave us? She
was the sole reason I felt grateful for being in this class. Damn, I wonder if it's too late to request
to move to a different class?"
"Which class do you have in mind?" Kunikida asked, "Nagato's class? Oh, speaking of which, I
saw her wandering around dressed like a wizard, just what was that all about?"
Well, I'm not sure myself.
"Nagato, huh......"
Taniguchi looked at me, his face suddenly looked as though he had to face a math pop quiz, and
said as though realizing something,
"So when did it begin? I saw you embracing her in the classroom back then. That's probably one
of Suzumiya's scripts. You did that to scare me on purpose, right? You can't fool me."
It's a good thing Taniguchi misinterpreted the whole thing, the weight on my shoulders was
instantly lifted at once. ......Wait a minute, didn't you come in the classroom because you forgot
to bring something? How were we supposed to know you were coming? ......Of course, I didn't
tell him about this. Taniguchi is an idiot, and there's really no point in telling an idiot that he's an
idiot. Sometimes I'm even grateful that the gods have made Taniguchi an idiot at birth.
"Speaking of which, that sure was nonsense,"
Taniguchi said gratefully, Kunikida was busy eating, while I looked behind me. Haruhi's seat
was empty, just what was she up to now?
"I was looking around the school for places where I could shoot the movie,"
Haruhi said,
"But there was no suitable location. There's just no way we could create any atmosphere inside
the school, let's go outside!"
She may not like the atmosphere in the school, but she didn't have to go through the trouble of
finding a lively spot outside just because of that. She seemed determined to make it big.
"Um...... D... Do I have to go, too?"
Asahina-san asked in a terrified tone.
"Of course. We can't be without our star."
"I... In this costume?"
Asahina-san shivered, since like yesterday, today she was again forced to wear that waitress
costume, which I have no idea how Haruhi obtained it.
"Well, of course."
Haruhi nodded as a matter-of-factly, Asahina-san embraced herself and squirmed.
"Wouldn't it be too bothersome if you have to change all the time? We might not be able to find
a place to change there anyway. So you might as well wear that all day, right? C'mon! Let's go!"
"At least let me wear something on top......"
Asahina-san pleaded.
"No!"
"But it's too embarrassing."
"You have to feel embarassed in order to portray that subtle shy feeling! How do you expect to
win the Golden Globe like that?"
Wasn't our objective just to win the best event for the school festival?
Today everyone in the brigade was gathered in the club room. Koizumi came as well, his class'
theatre script being sorted out already, smiling at the one-sided interaction between Haruhi and
Asahina-san. Nagato was here as well, though she posed another problem.
"......"
She was silent as usual, that was nothing, but she looked strange today. For some reason, she was
again dressed in that wizard outfit that she came to show us yesterday. Actually she could just
wear that on the day of the school festival, she didn't have to start wearing it now.
Haruhi looked really fond of Nagato's black cloak and pointed hat.
"Your role is now the 'Evil Alien Magician!'"
In no time she had already altered the script. I watched as Haruhi stuffed into Nagato's hand a
conductor rod, which on its tip was fitted a decorative star, the sort usually used to decorate
Christmas trees, while Nagato stood motionless. For some reason, even I had no problem with
this silent bookworm playing the role of an alien magician. Maybe this role would suit Nagato
better than the so-called Integrated Data Entity, because she could indeed wield magical powers,
at least for my eyes, so it can't be wrong.
Nagato suddenly pushed up the brim of her hat and looked at me with her expressionless eyes.
"......"
I had concerns about how Haruhi decided on her own to use costumes originally designed for
other classes' activities for her movie, but for her, such problems simply do not exist.
"Kyon! Have you prepared the camera? Koizumi-kun, I'm counting on you to carry the
equipment there. Mikuru-chan! Why are you still grabbing the table? Hurry up and move on!"
Asahina-san's weak resistance was futile. Haruhi simply grabbed the back of the waitress's collar
and dragged her tiny figure towards the door as she whimpered nonstop. Nagato followed behind
dragging the tail of her cloak, while Koizumi went last, winked at me, and then disappeared into
the corridor.
Just as I was thinking whether it was still possible for me to not go......
"Hey! We can't make a movie without a cameraman!"
Haruhi stuck her upper torso in the opened door and yelled loudly at me with her mouth wide
open. Seeing the words "Great Director" written on the armband on Haruhi's left arm, I suddenly
had an ominous feeling.
It seemed this girl was dead serious about it.
Haruhi the self-proclaimed "Great Director," despite not having any prior directorial experience
before, led the way; the cute waitress lowered her head and followed, while the gloomy young
witch trailed behind like a shadow. Koizumi carried the paper bags and smiled brightly...... I tried
my best to stay as far away as possible while following this eccentric group.
Already capturing the attention of the school as it walked along, this Halloween costume
entourage became the focus of attention as it stepped outside of school. Asahina walked
dejectedly amongst us. After two minutes of walking, she hung her head down low, three
minutes and she was already blushing furiously, five minutes later, she was basically floating on
thin air like a depressed ghost.
Haruhi walked ahead beaming brightly as though the heavens are about to shake, humming the
theme song of "Heaven and Hell." I don't know when she had it prepared, as I saw her carrying
in her right hand a yellow loudspeaker, and in her left hand a director's chair, striding gallantly
like the Mongol hordes marching west across the grassy plains. As I was wondering where she
was about to strike next, I noticed we had reached the train station. Haruhi bought five tickets
and handed one to each of us, then marched on as a matter-of-factly towards the ticket turnstiles.
"Hold it."
Asahina-san's weak resistance was futile. Haruhi simply grabbed the back of the waitress's collar and
dragged her tiny figure towards the door as she whimpered nonstop. Nagato followed behind dragging
the tail of her cloak...
I gave my objection before Asahina-san could even speak. I pointed towards the waitress in a
mini-skirt, who was drawing all the gazes from everywhere, and the black cloaked witch, who
was standing like a bystander, and said,
"You're going to let them ride the train dressed like that?"
"Is there a problem?" Haruhi pretended not to understand and countered, "If they didn't wear
anything, they might get arrested. But they're dressed just fine! Or are you thinking that a bunnygirl
costume would be better? Then why didn't you say so earlier? I wouldn't mind changing the
working title to 'Battle Bunny-Girl!'"
This shouldn't come from someone deliberately bringing a person in a waitress costume...... By
the way, I thought you said you had the concept of the movie thought out already? I'm not too
sure about this, but can you just alter the concept of the movie whenever you please?
I tried my hardest to guess what on earth our director was thinking.
"The ability to adapt to circumstances is vital. That's how life on earth evolved to this day
through survival of the fittest. You'll go extinct if you stop thinking! We must learn how to adapt
in order to survive!"
Adapt to what? If mother nature were sentient, I'm sure the first thing she would do was to drive
Haruhi out of the atmosphere of the earth.
Koizumi was reduced to a smiling slave in charge of carrying the equipment, Nagato remained
silent, while Asahina-san was too worn out to say anything. In other words, I was the only one
doing all the talking.
How I wish someone would think of a way out of this.
It now looks like Haruhi has interpreted our silence as us being moved to deep thought by her
speech.
"Ah, here comes the train! Mikuru-chan, let's go! The show's about to begin!"
Like a police officer dragging a female criminal whose motive was worthy of sympathy, Haruhi
pushed Asahina-san's shoulders towards the turnstiles.
Coming out of the station, I noticed it was the station we had been to the other day, as the
shopping street was right ahead. Before I could even suspect, I realized Haruhi had even come to
the exact same store that she had visited. It was the electronic store where she managed to obtain
the camera.
"I came as promised!"
Haruhi entered energetically, the owner stuck his head out and landed his gaze onto Asahina-san.
"Hoho."
The owner stared at the lead actress with a horny looking smile, while Asahina-san stood stiff
like one of those combat game characters who had just used up all her special moves. The owner
then said,
"She's the girl from the day before? She really looks different today, hoho. Then we're counting
on you."
Counting on what? I had instinctively wanted to move forward one step and shield Asahina-san,
who was trembling, behind my back, but I got pushed back by Haruhi before I could do that.
"The meeting will now begin, everyone listen up."
With the same smile that she had after winning the inter-class relay race during sports day,
Haruhi announced,
"We shall now start shooting the commercials!"
"T... the owner of this store, um, he's very generous and kind. This store has been opened by the
owner Eijirou-san's grandfather, and they sell everything from dry batteries to refrigerators. Oh,
and...... um......"
The waitress smiled stiffly as she tried her best to read from the script, while Nagato stood beside
her holding up a plastic banner that read "Oomori Electronics." The two of them were now
captured into the viewing window of my camera.
Asahina-san gave a very clumsy looking smile, carrying a microphone that was not even plugged
in.
Koizumi stood beside me and smiled wryly as he carried the placards with the script written on
them. The placards were basically a sketch book in which Haruhi wrote the script without even
thinking a while ago. Koizumi flipped the pages of the sketch book in accordance with Asahinasan's
reading speed.
We stood outside the entrance to the electronic store, which was right in the middle of the
shopping street.
Haruhi sat on the director's chair crossing her legs, and frowned at Asahina-san's acting.
"OK, cut!"
She slapped her loudspeaker onto her palm and said,
"That was entirely devoid of any emotion. Why can't you convey it? There's just no feeling of
'that's it.'"
She said while biting her nails.
Looking stunned, I stopped recording. Clutching the microphone with both her hands, Asahinasan
also stopped what she was doing. Nagato was motionless since the beginning, while all
Koizumi could do was smile.
The pedestrians walking on the shopping street have now gathered behind us out of curiosity.
"Mikuru-chan, your expression was too stiff. You need to smile more naturally from the bottom
of your heart. Think of something happy, aren't you happy right now? You're chosen as the
female lead after all! There can't be anything happier than this in your whole life!"
I really wanted to just tell her, Stop being ridiculous already!
If I had to compress the conversation between Haruhi and the store owner into two lines, I
believe it would be like this:
"During the shooting of the movie, we'll make a commercial for this store as well. So can you
lend us a camera?"
"Sure, no problem."
The owner was deluded to actually believing Haruhi's sweet words, while Haruhi was simply
nuts to think of putting a commercial inside a movie. I had never seen a movie where the female
lead had to become a spokesperson for a commercial product. I wouldn't have minded if it were
just simple product placement by shooting the name of the store in the background of some
scenes, but now we're shooting an advertisement instead of a movie.
"I know!"
Haruhi suddenly shouted. What is it that you know now!?
"It just feels strange to see a waitress coming out of an electronic store."
Maybe it's because of the costume you chose?
"Koizumi-kun, give me that bag. The smaller one over there."
Haruhi received the paper bag Koizumi handed her, then grabbed the dreamy Asahina-san by the
hand and strode towards the store.
"Manager! Is there a place where you can change? Um, anywhere would do. Even the bathroom.
Really? Then we'll use the storeroom!"
Without even flinching, she then dragged Asahina-san and disappeared into the store. Poor
Asahina-san didn't even have the strength to resist, and could only follow awkwardly as she got
dragged by Haruhi's incredible strength. Maybe she was prepared to do anything Haruhi asked as
long as she could get out of that costume.
Koizumi, Nagato and I were left standing outside with nothing to do. Nagato wore her black
costume and continued to hold up her plastic banner while staring at the camera. It's quite
amazing that her arms never get tired.
Koizumi smiled softly at me.
"It seems like I won't be performing anytime soon. I was only in the class play because everyone
voted to have me in, it's already exhausting trying to memorize all the lines, so I do hope there
aren't that many lines for this role I'm playing. ......How about it? Why don't you try being the
male lead?"
Haruhi's the one who decides who plays what, so you'll have to go ask her.
"Do you think I am capable of taking on such a frightening task? I dare not imagine an actor
telling the executive producer and director what to do, since Suzumiya-san's orders are absolute.
I don't even want to think what retaliatory moves she would have against me if I did that."
Well, neither do I! Are you saying that's the reason why I'm willing to be a cameraman? Besides,
we aren't even shooting a movie, but a regional advert for a local store. There's a limit to
showing your sense of belonging to the neighbourhood.
I'm guessing a frantic scene was being played right now at the back of the store. I can imagine
the look on Haruhi's face as she strips the clothes off a defenseless Asahina-san. I wonder what
she would have Asahina-san wear this time, why doesn't she wear them herself? Her figure is
just as stunning as Asahina-san's anyway, has she never thought of starring in the movie herself?
"Sorry to keep you waiting!"
Of the two people coming out of the store, Haruhi remained in her uniform of course, while the
sight of the other instantly gave me a trip down memory lane. Has it been six months already?
How time flies by! So many things have happened since then! Amateur baseball tournament,
lone island mansion...... Now that I think about it, these have all become happy memories.
......How was this possible?
That was Asahina-san's debut performance, the one that made Asahina-san and Haruhi the talk of
the school instantly. It was the extremely revealing costume that left Asahina-san emotionally
scarred.
The impeccable, perfect bunny-girl blushed bright red with tears in her eyes, and followed
timidly behind Haruhi as her bunny ears swung to and fro.
"Yes, now that's perfect. It's better after all to do an advertisement in a bunny-girl costume,"
Haruhi said ambiguously and studied Asahina-san, giving a satisfied smile. Asahina-san simply
looked traumatized, as though half of her soul had flown out of her half-opened cherry red lips.
"Mikuru-chan, let's start over again. You've memorized the script already, I'm sure. Kyon, roll
the tape."
Who would have the mood to listen to her when she's dressed like that? When this movie plays,
I'm sure the audience would be paying attention to the bunny-girl played by Asahina-san instead.
It would be fortunate if the screen didn't get burned by the staring gazes of the audiences.
"And, take 2!"
Haruhi yelled and slapped her loudspeaker sharply.
Finally, the shooting of the electronic store advertisement starring Asahina-san, who was smiling
and crying at the same time while being toyed around by Haruhi, was complete. The whole thing
felt like watching a foreign wrestler being manipulated by an evil agent in every match.
But, having gotten to this point, I realized we had visited another store before. I didn't even need
to speculate, as Haruhi was already thinking of making a commercial for them as well.
Asahina went "Ah~!" and "Kyaa~!" cutely as she got dragged along by Haruhi down the
shopping street. Meanwhile Nagato followed slowly behind Koizumi and me like a phantom in
her usual flat wizard expression.
I placed my jacket over Asahina-san's exposed back, trying to console her. Perhaps doing so only
increased the attention from the onlookers even more. After all, this world is populated by people
with strange tastes. Let me make it clear by the way, those are not my tastes.
We went to the second model toy store and repeated what we had done before. Under the
watchful eyes of the curious bystanders, Asahina-san looked tearfully at me - the lens of the
camera, that is.
"Th... This model toy store was opened by Yamatsuchi Keiji-san, age 28, who ignored the
objections of his parents and left his life as a white-collar worker...... In order to fulfill his
dreams...... As expected, the sales didn't grow as planned. Sales for the first half of this year was
only 80% of last year's, and the sales curve have fallen towards the lower right corner of the
chart...... That's why... Please do come and take a look around!"
Asahina-san's speech was totally unconvincing. Would the owner Yamatsuchi-san even accept
such an advertisement? He would probably be even more dejected than he was now. Who would
want to be treated to such a speech by a high school student anyway?
The bunny-girl was now being forced to aim the model rifle she was holding upwards.
"Please don't aim this at people, try it on empty cans instead!"
Nagato stood behind staring blankly forward, holding up a plastic banner that read "Yamatsuchi
Model Store." It was such a surreal sight. As Asakura Ryoko looked like a normal person with
emotions, that meant not all the alien-created humanoid interfaces behaved like robots. I think
Nagato only behaved like that simply because she was programmed that way in the beginning.
Asahina-san now aimed the rifle towards the empty cans laying on the ground and fired at them.
"Ah! I think this would hurt if you get hit! Ahhh~~!!!"
Asahina-san yelled timidly as the aluminum cans slowly became dented like a beehive. This
shooting demonstration caused a commotion among the bystanders, though Asahina-san's aim
accuracy was only 1%.
Somehow I just felt that shooting all these scenes into the DV recording camera was a complete
waste. I felt sorry for both Asahina-san and the guy that designed this camera, since this camera
wasn't supposed to be made to shoot such silly scenes.
And so the day ended after shooting of the stupid commercials had ended.
We returned to school first to listen to Haruhi announce the upcoming shooting schedule.
"As tomorrow, Saturday, is a holiday, everyone must come early. We meet at nine in front of
Kitaguchi station, you hear?"
But, the commercials alone were already 15 minutes long. Just how long was the movie going to
be? No one is going to be able to finish a three-hour movie shown in a school festival, and I'm
not optimistic about the box-office receipts either.
I thought this to myself while noticing how depressed Asahina-san was. She rode the train
dressed as a waitress when going out, and returned as a bunny-girl. Right now, changed back
into her uniform, she now knelt on the ground looking completely worn out. At this rate, the
female lead is going to fall asleep during shooting.
I finished drinking the Genbi tea that Koizumi made in place of Asahina-san, who rested her
head on the table looking tired, and said,
"Haruhi, can't you think of any other costumes Asahina-san can wear? Aren't there any other
battle costumes that suit the occasion better? Like some military costumes or cheerleader
costumes?"
Haruhi waved her conductor rod fitted with a star at its end and said,
"There's no originality in wearing such costumes. It is only by dressing as a waitress that the
audience can go 'Ooohhh~~~!' It's important to grasp what the audience is thinking. That's what
they call concept!"
I really wonder whether she even understood what a concept is, as all I could do was sigh.
"Forget it...... Let's leave that aside. Why must the female protagonist be set as coming from the
future? I don't see what difference it makes to the story!"
Asahina-san shuddered a bit while lying on the table. Haruhi didn't notice that, obviously she's
not giving up,
"We'll consider that sort of stuff later, we'll worry about it when someone voices a concern."
Didn't I just voice a concern!? Answer the question!!!
"If an answer can't be thought out after consideration, then it's best to leave it alone! It doesn't
matter anyway. What matters is that it's interesting!"
Provided you can make it interesting. What are the chances of you making a movie that's
interesting? What's the point in making a movie for which only the director feels an interest? Are
you trying to get nominated for the Golden Raspberry Awards?
"What on earth's that? I only have one objective, that is to get voted the best event of the school
festival! If possible, I wouldn't mind getting a Golden Globe. In order to achieve that goal, it's
important that Mikuru-chan wears the right costumes!"
I don't see how anyone could fret over such stuff. I have a feeling Haruhi was compelled to do
this after getting pissed off watching a crap movie that somehow won the Golden Globe awards.
I sighed again and looked towards the side. Dressed all in black, Nagato had returned to her
corner in the club room and once again was indulging herself in her world of books. What was
wrong with her? Would she die if she wasn't reading something in this room?
"Hang on."
Looking at the alien who loved reading, I suddenly thought of something,
"Hey, I still haven't seen the script yet."
It's not just the script that's missing, I don't even know what the story is. All I knew was that
Asahina-san was a waitress from the future, Koizumi was an esper youth, while Nagato was an
evil alien magician.
"It's not necessary."
Just what was Haruhi thinking!? She suddenly closed her eyes and pointed to her forehead with
the star on her conductor's staff,
"Because e~~verything is in here, the script and the storyboard. You don't have to worry about
anything, I'll think of all the scenes that need to be filmed for you."
A bold statement. You should be the one who need not do any thinking and can just stare out the
window. If you looked a bit more gentle and serious, you could compete with Asahina-san with
no problem at all.
"Tomorrow guys! Let's march bravely forward. In order to obtain glory, one must start on the
mental side. It is the fastest way to victory without ever spending any money! When you free
yourself from the cage of your mind, you'll be able release your potential that you never even
knew you had. That's the way!"
That would probably work in those combat comics, but no matter how hard you try to spew out
how to control your state of mind or how to go international, it's still going to be a long way
before the Japanese soccer team could win the World Cup.
"That's it for today! Let's look forward to tomorrow! Kyon, don't forget the camera, equipment
and costumes. Be punctual everyone!"
Haruhi then grabbed up her bag with all her force and bolted out of the room. As the humming of
the "Rocky" theme song diminished down the corridor, I looked resentfully at the pile of
equipment that I had to carry. Just to which society do I complain about the tyrannical actions of
this director?
So far today, our school life had been as normal as it gets, just that it got spiced up, to the level
of nearly losing control, by Haruhi's over-enthusiasm in the making of her movie. If a survey
were conducted on the high schools on the whole nation, I'm sure there are other people who are
just as eccentric as us. In other words, they're all living a "normal" life.
I wasn't attacked by Nagato's people; I didn't go time traveling with Asahina-san; and I didn't
encounter any giants that shone like a glowing piece of blue mold; lastly, I never experienced
any murder mysteries with a ridiculous truth hidden inside.
It was a normal school life.
As the school festival approaches, Haruhi's excitement was now reaching boiling point. The
endorphins in her mind now spin as quickly as a hamster on an exercise wheel, whipped to run at
near Mach speed.
Anyway, all that was normal.
......So far, that is.
Thinking carefully, I'm sure Haruhi had probably began to control herself in her own way.
Thinking further, I realized we hadn't even shot a single frame for the movie. All that the digital
camera contained were video clips of Asahina-san dressed as a bunny-girl advertising for the
local electronics and toy model stores. The SOS Brigade movie directed by Haruhi did not even
have a framework; even the story was a mystery.
Perhaps it was better if it remained a mystery.
Even if we ended up showing a documentary of Asahina-san introducing the shops in the local
shopping district, it would not be a problem at all. Actually, wouldn't this sort of movie attract
audiences better? Besides, it's beneficial to the local economy of the shopping district, so that's
two birds with one stone. Ah yes, let's make an Asahina Mikuru advertisement special! I think I'd
like this better. As her cameraman, I mean what I say.
But, knowing Haruhi better than anyone, she's not going to be satisfied with that. She's going to
press on, doing what she said she intends to do. She's not the sort of person to give up halfway.
Such a troublesome girl who sticks to her principles!
And so, from the second day onwards, we once again found ourselves in a strange and dire
situation. I don't know how to describe this... How did Haruhi phrase it again?
When you free yourself from the boundaries of your mind, you'll be able release your potential
that you never even knew you had. ......Something like that.
Makes sense.
But, Haruhi,
Why is it that you are the only one whose potential got released?
And you aren't even aware of it yourself.
(Chapter 2 End)

Suzumiya Haruhi: Volume Two: The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

Hello again ^^, hope you enjoy read it!
Scource: http://www.haruhisuzumiya.net
Prologue
Prologue
Haruhi seems like the kind of person who shouldn't have any worries. But, she does. Only the
thing that's bothering her is that "The world is too mundane."
To her, the "Non-mundane things" are any kind of supernatural phenomena, meaning she often
thinks things like "I can't believe there's not even half a ghost appearing before me."
I should also let you know that the word "ghost" can be replaced with "aliens", "time-travelers",
or "espers." However, it is common knowledge that these things only appear in fiction novels.
They simply don't exist in reality. Which means, as long as Haruhi continues to live in this
world, she will continue to be bothered by this fact. The world is supposed to be like this;
nothing out of the ordinary. However, recent events in my life have made it very hard for me to
have confidence in this fact; I'm also bothered.
Because I know these aliens, time-travelers, and espers do exist.
"Listen to me, I need to tell you something very important."
"What?"
"Haven't you always wished for the existence of aliens or time-travelers or espers?"
"That's right. So what?"
"In other words, the purpose of our SOS Brigade is to find these people. Right?"
"Not only to find them, we have to be able to play together. Just finding them isn't good enough,
I want to participate in the act, not just be part of the audience."
"But I always wish I was watching from the sidelines... sigh, whatever. But have you ever
thought that these aliens, time-travelers, or espers might be surprisingly close to us?"
"Ah? What do you mean? Don't tell me you mean Yuki, Mikuru, or Itsuki? If it's them, then
that's not really a 'surprise'."
"Umm... actually I meant to tell you that it was them all along."
"Are you an idiot? It can't be that easy."
"That's true, this would be too simple by normal standards."
"Then tell me, who's the alien?"
"You would be very glad to hear this. Nagato Yuki is the alien. Hmm, how should I put it?
Should be Integrated something entity... or Data something entity... something like that.
Basically created by aliens and given a body."
"Hm, then what about Mikuru?"
"Asahina-san is easy to explain: she's a time-traveler. She comes from the future. There's no
problem calling her a time-traveler right?"
"Then how many years into the future is she from?"
"I don't know this, she didn't tell me that."
"Oh, I see."
"Really?"
"That means Itsuki is an esper? Were you planning on telling me that from the start?"
"That is correct."
"Ahh."
Haruhi twitched her eyebrows while she spoke, then slowly breathed in some air, and screamed:
"DON'T MESS WITH ME!"
Just like that, Haruhi completely discarded the truth that took me so much effort to get out. Oh
well, this was expected of her. Even after the three of them each used their own way to show me
that they were indeed an alien, a time-traveler, and an esper, I still had doubts in my mind. To
make Haruhi believe this, especially considering that she hadn't seen what I had seen, was almost
impossible.
But what else could I say? I had told her the absolute truth. Even though I don't look like a very
credible guy, when I know there's no benefit to be gained from lying, I will tell the truth.
But in fact Haruhi wasn't at fault either. If a nice guy came up to me and said "This person you
know is actually someone unbelievable..." I believe I would also lose my temper and start yelling
at him. If some guy said that kind of stuff to me with a straight face, I would probably think that
his brain had been infected by some virus, or had been addled by poisonous waves. Perhaps I'd
even feel sorry for the guy. I don't think I would continue to talk to that guy in any case.
Hmm, right now, isn't "that guy" me?
"Kyon, get your ears over here and listen carefully."
Haruhi stared at me with fire in her eyes.
"It doesn't matter whether it's an alien, a time-traveler, or a esper. They're not going to casually
appear in front of us just like that! Do you know how precious they are? If we find them, we
have to grab them by the neck, tie them up, and hang them up so they can't escape! The people
that I randomly grabbed off the streets to join our club can't be that rare and precious!"
Wow, that actually made some sense. But other than me, the other three really are blessed with
supernatural characteristics. I'm the only normal human being. Wait a minute, did she say that
she just grabbed random people to be in her club?
Sigh, why does this dumb girl only have common sense when it comes to strange topics? If she
would only believe me, everything would be much simpler. At least this bogus SOS Brigade
could disband, since it was formed for the sole purpose of finding aliens et al for Haruhi. Once
she finds those things, there won't be any point in keeping this club around. After that, she can
play with those unnatural beings all she likes, while I stay to the side and add a few laughs here
and there. I hope this happens soon, because right now I feel like a circus animal being forced to
perform.
However, if Haruhi had any sense of what was happening around her, I don't know what the
world would be like.
Ah yes. I should let you know that only two people participated in this dialogue, from the
beginning. It happened during the second "SOS Brigade wandering around in the city (temporary
name)" club event, when I talked with Haruhi inside the restaurant by the station. I didn't have
any doubts that Haruhi would pay for the meal; I'd explained all that to her very naturally as I
was sipping my coffee. But she didn't take me seriously at all. I'm fine with that though.
Whoever believes in that stuff needs to have their brain examined.
As for me, I didn't bother to tell her the specifics, since details in things like this would only
cause more suspicion. Since all this was coming from me: the guy who got dragged to Nagato's
apartment and had to listen to a long series of unclear explanations, there was no reason to
suspect anything funny.
"I don't ever want to hear lame jokes like this again."
Haruhi drained all the yellow-greenish vegetable juice from her glass, and said:
"Let's go! We can't separate into two groups today, so let's just wander around! Oh yeah, I forgot
to bring my wallet today. Here's the bill."
While I was still staring at the eight hundred and thirty yen bill, thinking about how to protest
this atrocity, Haruhi grabbed my coffee and finished it. That left me with the impression that she
wasn't going to accept any protests. She then marched out of the restaurant, and stood in front of
the automatic door with her arms crossed.
Half a year has already passed since then. Now that I think about it, I seem to have experienced a
lot of strange phenomena during these past six months. SOS Brigade's official name is still "The
Save our world by Overloading it with fun Suzumiya Haruhi's Brigade" which gives me the
creeps. I have no idea where in the world this club brought more excitement to. I think only
Haruhi felt whatever excitement it was supposed to bring. Also, the club's reason for existence is
still a mystery. The original goal was something about playing with aliens, kidnapping time
travelers, and battling alongside espers. However from Haruhi's perspective, this goal still hasn't
been reached.
This is all because Haruhi believes she hasn't met any aliens, time travelers or espers. Coming to
that conclusion isn't something I can help. I've already told her the other three members' true
identities, but she just won't believe me. So this shouldn't be my responsibility anymore, right?
Even though the SOS Brigade has failed to reach its intended goal, thus losing its primary reason
for existence, it still hasn't disbanded. Even now, this unrecognized organization still secretly
exists in the Old Shack.
Of course, our five members, including myself, still choose to hang out in our clubroom every
day. The student council, after several meetings and different levels of analysis, seems to have
chosen to ignore us. They didn't approve our club initiation documents, but they didn't say
anything regarding our forced takeover of the Literature Club either. Maybe it's because the
club's only member, Nagato Yuki, has no problem with us being here. However, I personally
believe that the student council simply does not want to get into an argument with Haruhi, so
they've decided to feign ignorance.
I don't think anyone in the world would intentionally step on something that says "Warning:
explodes when stepped on" in red neon lights. Even I don't have the courage to do that. If I had
only known, I would not have talked to that stubborn girl who put up that unfriendly expression
every day.
A normal high schooler who accidentally pressed a button that activated a time bomb, and is now
being forced to carry that bomb around like a moron - that's me. And this time bomb labeled
"Suzumiya Haruhi" doesn't even have a counter on it. I have no idea when it's going to explode,
how much damage it will cause, or what else is inside. Even more importantly, I don't even know
if this bomb is real. Maybe it's just a toy used to fool little kids.
I can't seem to find the trash bin labeled "Hazardous Materials Only" no matter how hard I try.
Which means, this dangerous entity that I've activated is essentially covered with superglue,
stuck to my hand harder than anything else could be.
Sigh... Where am I gonna find a place to dump it?
Chapter 1
Chapter 1
High schools organize certain activities from time to time, and the high school that I attend held
a sports day last month. When Haruhi suggested that the SOS Brigade participate in the interclub
relay race, one of the many competitive events held that day, I felt quite dubious. To make
things worse, we ended up actually beating the Athletics club and the Rugby club in the relay
race in which Haruhi overwhelmed the second place runner by a whole thirteen horses' lengths!
So as a result, our club went from being an unspoken taboo, only discussed in the shadows
(except by me), towards being the current fad at school, reminiscent of a troublemaker who pulls
fire alarms. I was already at a total loss on how to deal with this but there was more. Of course
Haruhi was the main instigator in all this, but Nagato, who had run the second leg of the race,
was just as guilty. I could never forget her speed, which could only be described as instantaneous
movement. Nagato, you should at least warn me before you do that!
When I asked Nagato what sort of magic she used this time, the stoic, alien-created living
humanoid interface replied with explanatory terms such as "energy positioning", "molecular
dispersion" and other jargon. Of course, such explanations meant nothing to me since I had
already decided to embrace the artistic subjects and abandon the scientific ones, to which I gave
absolutely no effort in comprehension or trying to comprehend.
After that tumultuous sports day ended, a month passed by and the school festival came up. So at
this moment, this insignificant prefectural high school is busily preparing for this festival...
though the only people who are really doing anything are the teachers and members from the
organizing committee and the art-related clubs, since it is their only chance to flex their muscles.
Now when it came to club-related contributions to the festival, the as-yet unrecognized SOS
Brigade was not required to provide any creative attractions. Actually, if it were allowed as our
club contribution, I wouldn't mind locking up a stray cat in a cage, adding a sign indicating
"Extraterrestrial Alien" and displaying it as a sideshow attraction to make money just like in a
circus. Though I think that would be unwise because people without a sense of humour would be
terribly offended while others with a sense of humour would only laugh despicably.
This sort of attraction wouldn't require any serious consideration for values and success--it didn't
even require any real effort. The same could be said for the rest of the attractions. High school
festivals in real life can be that gritty. If you think I'm joking, visit any school holding festivities.
When you do, you will realize by then that such attractions are pretty much considered a regular
expectation of school festivals.
On the other hand, what did class 1-5, the class Haruhi and I belong to, intend to do that day? It
turns out that we will be preparing some sort of lame questionnaire. I can see it only as a cover
so as to appear to be organizing something for the festival. Ever since Asakura Ryouko
disappeared this spring, our class had been devoid of a student with leadership qualities. So due
to the lack of student participation, this uncreative idea was painstakingly brainstormed by
Okabe-sensei during the long and boring homeroom session. Without anyone consenting or
objecting, the motion passed and the long homeroom session was over. But what kind of
questionnaire? Who would actually be interested in doing this?
Probably no one, I suppose. But since it's been decided, keep up the great work guys!
And so, suffering from apathy syndrome, I walked wearily towards the club room.
Why did I go, you ask?
Naturally, this is because of a domineering girl coming towards me and rambling endlessly,
"What questionnaire? This is so retarded!"
She said this with an outraged expression on her face, "I mean where's the fun in that? I totally
don't get it!"
Then why didn't you suggest something better? Weren't you there as well, looking at Okabesensei
standing there like a lonely ghost, not knowing what to do?
"Forget it, I never intended to join any of the class's activities anyway. There's no fun in
organizing an activity with these guys."
But didn't you contribute to the class by winning all of the inter-class races on sports day? I
thought it was you who won as the last baton in the short, medium, and long distance relays. Or
has my memory served me wrong?
"That was different."
What was different?
"A school festival is a school festival, or in other words, a campus festival. Though public
schools are seldom called campuses, but that doesn't matter. After all, isn't the school festival the
most important activity of the whole school year?"
Is that so?
"Absolutely!" She nodded vigorously, then faced me and announced the following, "The SOS
Brigade will do something very interesting!"
The face of Suzumiya Haruhi now shone with the same determined look as Hannibal, who had
decided to cross the Alps during the Second Punic War.
Shining she may be, but......
For the past six months, whatever Haruhi thought was "interesting" was anything but interesting
to me, and her interests have all resulted in me being exhausted. At least that's so for me and
Asahina, but this is because we're normal human beings after all. From what I see, it is common
knowledge that Haruhi isn't a normal person, while Koizumi possesses a state of mind not
present in ordinary humans. As for Nagato, she's not even human to begin with.
Hanging out with this bunch, how am I supposed to live peacefully through this extraordinary
high school life of mine? I really don't want to get involved in silly stuff anymore. Just thinking
about it is enough to give me an urge to aim a gun at my forehead, or extract and burn the brain
cells containing those memories. Though I don't know what Haruhi would say about that.
Maybe I was too busy thinking how to erase those memories of the past because I wasn't paying
attention to what the annoying girl next to me was raving about.
"Hey, Kyon, are you even listening?"
"I wasn't, where were you again?"
"The school festival! You ought to be more excited! We only get a school festival once a year!"
"That may be true, but you don't have to be so concerned about it."
"Of course I have to be concerned! It won't be a school festival if it isn't exciting enough. It
should be like the campus festivals that I know of."
"Did you do something ridiculous while in junior high?"
"No, it wasn't fun at all. So it won't be reasonable if the high school festival isn't fun as well."
"Then what is it that you find interesting?"
"Like real monsters appearing in a haunted house; the number of steps in a flight of stairs
suddenly increasing; the number of school mysteries jumping from seven to thirteen; an Afro
hairstyle three times the size of a normal head appearing on the principal's head; the school
transforming into a giant robot and doing battle with the monster from under the sea; or even
autumn being represented by plum blossoms..."
After listening halfway, I stopped paying attention to Haruhi, so I forgot what was said after she
mentioned how many number of steps there are in a flight of stairs. If anyone was paying
attention, please do let me know.
"......Sigh, forget it. I'll tell you more when we get to the club room."
Haruhi strode in large footsteps towards the club room in a bad mood, and in a moment's time,
we arrived at the door. The sign above the door read, "Literature Club," and cellotaped under that
sign was a piece of paper with scribbling that read "with the SOS Brigade."
"Since we've stayed here for half a year already, I don't suppose anyone would mind if we
claimed this room for ourselves." Haruhi unilaterally declared her sovereignty over the use of the
room and had wanted to remove the original sign, but I stopped her. After all, it's important for
humans to maintain a certain amount of caution in their actions.
Haruhi opened the door without knocking, and standing inside was a fairy girl. When her eyes
met with mine, she smiled like a lily blossoming.
"Oh... hello."
Wearing a maid costume and sweeping the room with a broomstick is the best tea girl ever, the
pride of the SOS Brigade - Asahina Mikuru-san. As usual, she carried a sweet smile befitting of
a fairy residing in the club room and welcomed my arrival. Maybe she is a fairy in disguise. She
feels more like a fairy than a time traveler from the future.
Asahina was forcefully dragged over by Haruhi at the founding of the brigade, as Haruhi
explained, "we needed a mascot." Then under Haruhi's demands, she was forced to put on a maid
costume and has since become the SOS Brigade's official maid. Every day after school she
would transform into the perfect maid. This is not because of any loose screws in her brain, but
more like she was so honest and so sincere that I could almost cry.
Asahina has dressed as a bunny girl, a nurse and all other sorts of costumes for the SOS Brigade.
Yet I felt the maid costume suited her best. To put it simply, it's because this costume has no
hidden meaning or innuendo, which was why I hoped she would go on like that. Maybe I should
emphasize something: Haruhi's actions rarely have any meaning to them.
Yet her actions often become the trigger for something else, and have put us into a lot of trouble.
So I actually felt it would be better for her actions to be truly meaningless.
The often eccentric Haruhi has very rarely done anything correctly, or I should say she's only
ever done one correct thing, and that is in picking Asahina's maid costume. Since it suited her too
well, it's enough to make people dizzy. It is only for this alone that I give credit to Haruhi's
eccentric behavior. I don't know where she bought it or how much she paid, but Haruhi does
have some taste when it comes to elegant costumes. Though I believe Asahina would look great
in anything she wears, just like a professional model. And my favorite costume of them all is the
maid costume. There must be some meaning with this costume, for it was always able to satiate
my visual senses.
"I'll go brew some tea."
Asahina said with her soft, adorable voice. She placed the broomstick into the cleaning cabinet
and scurried over towards the kitchen cupboard, taking out everyone's cups.
My abdomen suddenly suffered an intense pain, and when I came to my senses, I realized Haruhi
had jabbed her elbow into me.
"Your eyes have squinted as thin as a line now."
Maybe I was too moved by Asahina's cute movements, so naturally I squinted my eyes leaving
only a narrow gap. I believe everyone would have the same reaction after seeing the adorably
elegant and shy Asahina.
Haruhi walked towards the desk with a black triangular spike that read "Commander," and took
out an armband that also read "Commander" from the drawer and put it on. She then kicked the
steel chair out from the desk and sat on it, overlooking the club room.
Sitting by the corner of a table reading a thick book was another member of the brigade.
"......"
Sitting there fully concentrated on reading her book is none other than Nagato Yuki, the first
year Literature Club student, who to Haruhi would be like "a bonus gift that comes along with
occupying the Literature Club room."
Her existence is as subtle as nitrogen in the atmosphere, yet of all the first years in the brigade
she is the most extraordinary. Her extraordinariness far exceeds that of Haruhi. I know absolutely
nothing about Haruhi, yet while I do know something about Nagato, this only makes me even
more confused about her. If what Nagato said was correct, then this silent short-haired little
schoolgirl lacking of expression, emotion, and empathy is not a human but a living humanoid
interface created by aliens to interact with humans. It still sounds very absurd. But since she
herself has said so, I do not want to question any further since it does sound real. Of course,
Haruhi doesn't know about this; Haruhi still treats her as "quite a weird bookworm."
Though objectively speaking, "quite" is an understatement.
"Where's Koizumi-kun?"
Haruhi glared at Asahina with her sharp glare. Asahina shuddered for a moment, then said,
"Eh...h...he's not here yet, he's quite late today......"
Asahina carefully brought out the tea leaves from the tin and placed them in the little teapot. I
casually looked at the hanging rack by the corner of the club room. All sorts of costumes hung
on top of it, like a theatre resting room. From the left hung a nurse costume, a bunny girl
costume, a summer maid costume, a yukata, a white blouse, a leopard skin costume, a woolen
frog puppet costume, and all other sorts of unidentifiable costumes.
For the past six months these costumes have all graced the warm skin of Asahina. Let me explain
further, there is absolutely no reason for Asahina to wear these costumes, apart from satisfying
Haruhi's own ego. Maybe she suffered some sort of trauma in the past? Like not getting the
dress-up doll she wanted when she was young, so now she sees Asahina as a large doll to play
around with. Thanks to this, Asahina's emotional scars have increased as the days go by, while
my visual senses get stimulated as a result, creating a sense of happiness for me. Sigh. Overall, I
don't think a lot of people have benefitted from this, so I'd best not say anything about it.
"Mikuru-chan, tea!"
"Ah...yes! Right away!"
Asahina hurriedly poured the green tea into the cup that had been marked "Haruhi" with a felt-tip
pen, and carried it over on a tray.
Haruhi received the teacup and blew the steam off and took a sip. She then spoke like a flower
arrangement master berating her disciple for not being diligent enough, "Mikuru-chan, I
remember telling you before. Have you forgotten?"
"Huh?" Asahina grabbed the tray with trepidation. "W...what is it?"
She tilted her head like a Java Sparrow reminiscing over the taste of the seeds it ate the day
before.
Haruhi placed her cup on the table.
"When carrying tea over, you need to accidentally trip the tea cup over once every three times! You
don't look like a clumsy maid at all!"
Haruhi: "When carrying tea over, you need to accidentally trip the tea cup over once every three times!
You don't look like a clumsy maid at all!"
"Ah, erm......s...sorry."
Asahina shrugged her small shoulders. This is the first time I heard of such a rule; does this girl
really believe that maids are supposed to be clumsy?
"You've got a chance now. Mikuru-chan, go use Kyon as practice. When carrying the tea over,
make sure you spill the tea over his head."
"Huh?"
Asahina said then looked at me. I would really like to drill a hole in Haruhi's head and replace
the contents within. Sadly, I would find nothing inside and can only sigh.
"Asahina, only someone with a damaged brain could think of something like what Haruhi just
said."
So keep up the good work! I had wanted to add that, but decided not to in the end.
Haruhi heard and rolled her eyes.
"That idiot over there, I'm not joking! I'm always serious."
Then that's even more problematic; you probably need a CT scan. Besides, I wonder if getting
mad at you for calling me an idiot means I lack a sense of humour?
"Forget it, allow me to demonstrate. Then you follow what I do, Mikuru-chan."
Haruhi leaped off the steel chair and swiped the tray from the stuttering Asahina. She then lifted
the teapot and began to pour tea into the cup with my name written on it.
As I watched this scene unfold with stunned silence, Haruhi roughly placed the cup on the tray,
splashing the tea all over, then stared at where I was sitting and nodded to signal she was about
to come over. I promptly picked up the teacup.
"Hey! Don't get in the way!"
What do you mean don't get in the way? The only people who would gladly sit there and wait for
someone to pour hot tea over their heads are either being too nice or are trying to con the
insurance company.
And so I stood and drank the green tea Haruhi brewed for me and thought to myself: why is it
that even though they brewed with the same tea leaves, Asahina's tea tasted so much different
from Haruhi's? The answer was obvious even without thinking. The difference between them
was a flavouring called "love." If Asahina was a white rose blooming in the wild, then Haruhi
would be a special breed of rose that doesn't even blossom and is full of thorns; it probably
doesn't even have seeds.
Haruhi looked at me with admonishment as I drank my tea.
"Hmph."
She flicked her hair heavily and returned to her seat. The look on her face was as though she had
just swallowed some bitter herbal medicine.
Asahina gave a sigh of relief and went back to her usual serving mode, pouring tea into Nagato's
cup and placing it in front of the reading girl.
Nagato didn't move, keeping her head transfixed on the hardcover book. You should try and
express some sort of gratitude! If it were Taniguchi, he'd probably want to wait three days before
drinking Asahina's tea.
"......"
Nagato flicked the pages without lifting her head. As she's usually like that, Asahina didn't really
mind and went to prepare her own cup.
At this moment, the fifth member arrived, though no one would really mind if he hadn't come.
"Sorry, I was delayed, since our class meeting was longer than expected."
Revealing his charmingly harmless smile and standing by the door is Koizumi Itsuki, Haruhi's
mysterious transfer student. His handsome face, which I wouldn't introduce my girlfriend to if I
had one, was carrying a smile as usual.
"Looks like I'm the last to arrive. If the meeting's delayed because of me, then I sincerely
apologize. Maybe it would be better if we grab a bite first?"
Meeting? What meeting? I never knew of any meeting.
"I'd really have forgotten about it if you didn't mention it."
Looking down the table, Haruhi said to me, "I told everyone else about it during lunch break
already. I thought I could tell you any time anyway."
You had the time to go to other classrooms, yet you never bothered to tell me, who happened to
sit right in front of you in the same classroom?
"Does it really matter? It's the same anyway. The issue is not when you get the message, but
what we're doing now."
That's her way of putting things around. No matter what Haruhi says, I'd never feel any better.
This is now common knowledge.
"What's more important, we need to discuss what we need to be doing soon!"
Please! Distinguish your present and future tenses! You don't even specify who you are referring
to.
"All of us of course! Since this is an SOS Brigade activity."
What activity?
"Didn't I just say it? When else can we hold an activity besides during the school festival?"
Then it's not a brigade activity, but a school activity. If you really want to make the school
festival more lively, then you ought to apply to join the festival executive committee. Then you'll
have plenty of menial tasks to take care of.
"That won't be meaningful at all. What we need is an SOS Brigade-styled activity! It took us a
lot of work to develop the brigade to its present state! There's no one in this school that doesn't
know who we are! Don't you understand?"
What on earth is an SOS Brigade-styled activity? Thinking back on the activities that the SOS
Brigade has held for the past six months, I suddenly felt melancholic.
You are only saying whatever pops into your mind, that's easy for you, but do you know how
much Asahina and I had to suffer these past six months? All Koizumi can do is smile like an
idiot, while Nagato couldn't provide much help, you should be more considerate at people like
me, who are by your side all the time. Oh, and Asahina's probably not normal as well, but since
she's so cute, that's fine with me. Because all she needs to do is just stand there and let my eyes
savour the scenery and caress the barren field in my heart.
"We need to do something that suits everyone's expectations,"
Haruhi mumbled, looking unhappy. Speaking of which, just who would expect anything from the
SOS Brigade? Now that's something worthy for a questionnaire! The SOS Brigade has not even
grown, the number of members has still remained the same, let alone being promoted into an
Association. So it's best to maintain the status quo, but sooner or later, the Haruhi Express is
going to derail someday. There're only five passengers on this train, at least find a replacement
for me. Or perhaps just give me an hourly salary, even 100 yen would do.
Haruhi spent thirty seconds finishing her cup of tea, then asked Asahina for a second cup.
"What about you Mikuru-chan? Do you have any plans?"
"Umm......You mean our class......We're planning on selling noodles and tea......"
"Mikuru-chan is probably a waitress, right?"
Asahina widened her eyes.
"How did you know? I had wanted to do the cooking, but everyone else wanted me to......"
Haruhi's eyes now looked intrigued, the sort of cunning eyes that are up to no good. Her eyes
drifted towards the hanging rack, making it obvious she's thinking she hasn't had Asahina
dressed as a waitress yet.
Haruhi's expression was now full of thought.
"What about Koizumi-kun's class?"
Koizumi lifted his eyebrow.
"We've decided to stage a play, but opinions in the class were split. Some wanted an original
script, while others wanted a classic play. The school festival's coming up but we're still debating
intensely about it. It's going to be some time before things can be decided."
Ah, a lively class sure is so much better, though it can be troublesome.
"Hmm."
Haruhi's eyes now moved towards the remaining unspoken member.
"What about Yuki?"
The alien who loved reading now lifted her head like a badger sensing the rain.
"Divinations."
She replied without any emotion as usual.
"Divinations?"
I now cut in and asked.
"Yes."
Nagato, whose face doesn't even look like it's breathing, nodded her head.
"You're in charge of divinations?"
"Yes."
Nagato doing divinations? Is she going to make prophecies? I can imagine Nagato in a black
pointed cap, wearing a black cape and carrying a crystal ball; then I imagine a scene where she
tells a couple, "You two will break up in fifty-eight days three hours and five minutes."
Couldn't you come up with a better lie? Whether Nagato can predict the future is another
mystery I can never know.
Asahina's class is opening a stall, Koizumi's staging a play, while Nagato's class is doing
divinations? Why do other classes activities sound so much more interesting than our dull
questionnaire activity? Oh yeah, what do you think? Why don't we combine all of the above and
have a staged divination tea party play?
"Enough with the idiotic talk, the meeting starts now."
My previous opinion was kicked off cruelly by Haruhi, who walked towards the white board.
She pulled the conductor staff until it became as long as a radio antenna and whipped it on the
white board.
There's nothing written on it, what do you want me to look at?
"There'll be something written in a while. Mikuru-chan, you're in charge of the records.
Carefully write down everything I say."
When did Asahina become the record keeper? I'm afraid no one knows, since Haruhi has just
decided that a moment ago.
Asahina, teagirl and record keeper, picked up a felt-tip pen and sat by the board, looking up at
Haruhi's face.
Haruhi said in an excited tone, "The SOS Brigade is going to make a movie!"
I really don't understand how Haruhi's brain works. It doesn't really matter, since she's always
like that. But then this won't be a meeting, but rather an opportunity for her to showcase her
personal ideas.
"Hasn't it always been that way?" Koizumi said softly to me, carrying a smile so dashing one has
an urge to go draw it. Koizumi elegantly opened his mouth, "Suzumiya-san probably knew what
she wanted to do since the beginning, so I don't think there's much to discuss. Did you tell her
something you're not supposed to?"
I don't remember telling her anything about movies today. Maybe she saw a terrible C-movie last
night and found it too boring and now she's looking for a way to vent her frustration?
Yet Haruhi was convinced her speech has moved the entire audience and looked very excited. "I
bet you all have questions right now?"
I only have questions about how your brain works.
"When a TV series ends, they usually end with the main character dying, but wouldn't that be too
unnatural? Why would he die right at the end? It doesn't make any sense, so I hate stories where
someone dies at the end. I'd never make movies like that!"
Are we talking about movies or TV series?
"Didn't I just say we're making a movie? Even the ears of the haniwa figures are larger than
yours. Go and memorize every single word of what I just said."
I'd rather memorize all the station names of the nearby railway than memorize your crap rhetoric.
Asahina, who doesn't look like she's actually from the Calligraphy Club, elegantly wrote the
words "Movie Release" on the board, Haruhi nodded her head in satisfaction.
"That's about it, you understand now?"
Haruhi talked like a weather forecaster cheerfully predicting that the monsoon rain would be
over soon.
"What about it?"
I asked, which was natural of course. I only understood "Movie Release". Where does she intend
to find a movie studio to endorse her movie? Could she have found a studio already?
Yet Haruhi's dark pupils glittered as she smiled brightly,
"Kyon, has your intelligence deteriorated? Of course we are going to make the movie. The movie
is going to be shown in the school festival, with the caption 'SOS Brigade Presents' at the
beginning."
"When did we become the Movie Study Group?"
"What are you rambling about? This will always be the SOS Brigade! I don't remember any
Movie Study Group around here."
Haruhi callously said something which would probably piss the Movie Study Group if they heard
about it.
"This has been decided long ago! There will be no retrial! Further appeals will be rejected!"
Since the leader of the SOS Brigade jury says so, I don't suppose it can be overturned? Just who
on earth shoved Haruhi to the SOS Brigade commander throne? No, wait a minute, come to think
of it, it was she who claimed the throne for herself. No matter what world you're in, it's always
the loud and pretentious people that have ever inflating egos. Thanks to this, people like me and
Asahina, who tend to follow the flow, will always feel confused. This is the conflict of this cold
and cruel reality; it is also the truth.
As my mind delved into the philosophical question of what counts as an ideal society......
"So that's how it is." Koizumi said, as though he understood everything. He shared his smile
equally between me and Haruhi and said, "I understand now."
Hey, Koizumi, don't just gracefully accept the bomb that Haruhi just dropped! Don't you have
your own opinions on this?
Koizumi flicked his parting lightly with his finger, "From what I see, we're making a self-made
movie to attract visitors to come watch it. Is that right?"
"Exactly!"
Haruhi whipped her "antenna" on the board.
Asahina shuddered, yet she still took the courage and said, "But......why decide to make a
movie?"
"Last night, I found I couldn't sleep." Haruhi brought the antenna before her eyes and swung it
like a windscreen wiper. "So I turned on the TV and ended up watching a weird movie. I wasn't
interested at first, but as I had nothing else to do, I decided to give it a look."
Just as I thought.
"That was a really boring movie, so boring I had an urge to make an international prank call to
the director's house; that's why I came up with this idea."
The tip of the conductor staff pointed towards Asahina's tiny face.
"If that kind of movie can exist, then I can definitely make a better one!" Haruhi puffed her chest
confidently and said, "That's why I want to give it a try, do you have anything to say about that?"
Asahina shook her head vigorously as if in fear. Even if she did have an opinion, Asahina
probably wouldn't say anything, while Koizumi is a nodding yes-man, and Nagato never talks
anyway, so the only one doing the talking would always be me.
"You seem determined to be a movie director or producer, that's fine with us, it's your choice and
you can pursue that dream as you desire. That means we can now go ahead and pursue our own
dreams as well."
"I don't get what you mean."
Haruhi had her lips stuck out like a duck. I patiently explained my detailed analysis to her.
"You say you want to make a movie, yet we never said anything about it. What if we don't like
this suggestion? A movie can't be made with just a director alone."
"Relax, I've come up with a script already."
"No, that's not what I meant......"
"There's nothing to worry about. You just do what I tell you to, so don't worry."
I'm very worried.
"Let me do the planning, I'll take care of everything."
I'm even more worried now.
"Man, you sure are annoying! I'm gonna go ahead with what I said I'm gonna do. The aim is to
get first place in the school festival activities poll! Who knows, those ignorant idiots at the
Student Council may finally recognize the SOS Brigade as an official club......No! I'll make them
recognize us. To achieve this goal, we must bring public opinion to our side first!"
Public opinion and exit polls aren't necessarily in direct proportion with each other, you know.
I tried resisting.
"What about the production costs?"
"If you're talking about a budget, we have one."
Where? I don't believe the Student Council will grant a budget to this underground organization
that openly conducts its activities.
"Isn't the Literature Club granted a budget as well?"
"That's the Literature Club's budget! You can't use that!"
"But Yuki said it was OK."
Oh boy. I looked at Nagato's face, while Nagato lifted her head in slow motion to look at me,
then without saying anything, slowly went back to reading her book.
Won't there be people that want to join the Literature Club? I didn't intend to ask this question,
since it's possible that Nagato deliberately arranged for the Literature Club to be on the brink of
being canceled. She seems to already know what Haruhi is up to; it'll be a pity if someone else
wants to join the Literature Club now. How I wish someone would reclaim the Literature Club
from the clutches of Haruhi.
Haruhi didn't notice what I was thinking, waving her antenna in excitement, "Is everyone clear
now? Treat this activity as more important than the one at your classes! If anyone has any
dissenting opinions, they can tell me after the school festival, OK? The director's orders are
absolute!"
Haruhi declared passionately, like a grizzly bear in a zoo holding on to an ice cube during the hot
summer. The surroundings no longer concern her.
First she's a brigade commander, now she wants to be a director? What career does she intend to
be in? ......And don't tell me you want to be a God.
"That's it for today! Since I need to think of how to choose the cast and crew and find sponsors.
There's a lot of stuff involved in making a movie."
I'm not really sure what making a movie involves, but what on earth is she up to? Sponsors?
Slam!
A loud noise echoed across the room. I turned and found Nagato closing her book. That sound
has now become the unofficial signal for the SOS Brigade to end its business for the day.
"We'll discuss the details tomorrow!"
After leaving this sentence, Haruhi fled the room like a cat hearing a can of cat food being
opened. I don't think there are any details left to explain.
"But isn't that fine?"
The only person who would say that is definitely Koizumi.
"As long as it's not hunting for aliens for a circus freak show, or shooting down a UFO and
displaying its contents, then I'm relieved."
Where have I heard this before?
The smiling esper covered his mouth and laughed.
"Besides, I'm quite interested in what movie Suzumiya-san is making, I feel I can imagine more
or less what's on her mind."
Koizumi glanced towards Asahina, who was cleaning the teacups.
"This could be an interesting school festival, it'll be fun."
Influenced by him, my eyes also turned towards Asahina. Just as we were staring at the
headpiece bouncing with her hair......
"Ah! W...what are you looking at?"
Noticing two horny guys staring at her, Asahina stopped what she was doing and blushed
furiously.
I answered inside my heart.
Oh no, it's nothing. I was just thinking, what costume would Haruhi be bringing this time?
Preparing to go home......or rather, simply placing the book into her bag, Nagato stood up silently
and headed towards the door. Could Nagato be reading a book about divinations? Because it's
written in a foreign language that I couldn't understand.
"But......" I mumbled.
A movie......huh?
To be honest, I'm a bit interested as well, of course my interest is not as deep as Koizumi's,
probably just as deep as those marine plankton living off the continental shelf.
Perhaps I should look forward to it?
Since no one else is expecting anything from it.
I take back everything I just said, I don't look forward to anything.
Because after school the next day, I was already suffering.
- Presented by: The SOS Brigade
- Executive Producer / Director / Screenwriter: Suzumiya Haruhi
- Female Lead: Asahina Mikuru
- Male Lead: Koizumi Itsuki
- Supporting Character: Nagato Yuki
- Assistant Director / Cinematography / Editing / Equipment / Information
Gathering /
Other Menial Tasks: Kyon
When I saw what was written in the notebook, I only thought of one thing,
"So what is it exactly that I'm doing?"
"What was written on it, of course."
Like an orchestra conductor, Haruhi waved her conductor staff.
"You're the backstage staff, just as the cast and crew allocation has described. We've got a
formidable cast, right?"
"A...am I the lead?"
Asahina asked in a soft voice. Today she wore her usual school uniform instead of her maid
costume, since Haruhi said she didn't need to change today. Looks like Haruhi's going to bring
Asahina to someplace today.
"If possible, can I just have a minor role......"
Asahina pleaded with Haruhi with a sad look.
"No," Haruhi replied. "I'm going to make Mikuru-chan famous, after all, you're like the
registered trademark of our brigade. All you need to do is practice signing autographs. Since
when the movie premieres, the fans will be queuing up for your signature."
Movie premiere? Where does she intend to hold such an event?
Asahina doesn't seem too comfortable with this.
"......But I can't act."
"Don't worry, I'll guide you well."
Asahina lifted her head in trepidation and looked at me, and sadly lowered her eyebrows.
There were only three of us here right now, Because Nagato and Koizumi had meetings for their
classes' festival activities, they were going to be late today. I never thought there would be
people who would stay behind after school to prepare these things; I mean, all they needed to do
was just sit there and get it over with. I was amazed there were quite a number of people who
were serious about it.
"On the other hand, Yuki and Koizumi-kun aren't serious about this," Haruhi said in annoyance.
Not knowing how to vent her anger, she pointed her finger at me, "I clearly said this activity
takes priority over the rest. Yet they chose to be late so they can attend their classes' activities. I
really need to give them a warning."
Maybe Nagato and Koizumi-kun had a better sense of belonging with their classes than Haruhi
and I. From a certain perspective, it's actually more strange for the three of us to be here at this
time.
I suddenly thought of something.
"Asahina-san, don't you need to attend your class's meeting?"
"Um, I'm only on the staff responsible for serving the customers, so all that's left is to design the
costumes. I still don't know what costume I'm going to wear, but I'm looking forward to it."
Asahina blushed and smiled. She already seems used to cosplaying now. Instead of sticking
around with the SOS Brigade and being forced to wear all sorts of meaningless costumes without
any reasons at all, wouldn't it be better for her to wear something appropriate for the right
occasion? It's perfectly normal for waitresses to appear in a noodle stall, more so than a maid in
the Literature Club room.
I never knew how Haruhi managed to include that in the discussion topic.
"So, Mikuru-chan, you wanted to dress up as a waitress? Why didn't you say so? That'll make
things easy, I'll find a costume for you."
I don't really mind you making these sort of witty remarks, but don't you think that it's
inappropriate for people in the Literature Club room to wear all sorts of costumes besides their
uniform? Even the nurse costume before was questionable, if she has to wear a costume, I still
find the maid costume the best......Is this a personal fetish of mine?
"Oh, all right."
Haruhi turned towards me,
"Kyon, do you know what's the most important thing when making a movie?"
Hmm......Well, I tried to recall every movie scene that has moved me which is worthy for
reference. When I finished thinking, I confidently answered,
"Innovation and passion?"
"It's nothing that abstract!"
Haruhi rejected my thinking.
"It's a camera, of course! How are we going to shoot a movie without one?"
You may be right, but I wasn't talking about something so pragmatic......Forget it, it's not like I
have a lot of innovative ideas or passion for movie making and movie theories, so I wasn't going
to argue.
"It's decided."
Haruhi retracted her conductor staff and threw it on the commander's desk.
"We will now go obtain a camera."
Thud! The sound of a chair backtracking can be heard. I turned and saw that Asahina's face had
gone pale. Can't really blame her; after all, Haruhi had savagely looted the computer in this room
from the Computer Study Group, using poor Asahina as a sacrifice.
Asahina's brown hair shivered, she slowly opened her cherry blossom lips and said,
"U...umm......S...Suzumiya-san, I just remembered something, I need to go back to the
classroom."
"Be quiet."
Haruhi wore a horrible expression. Asahina shuddered and instantly sat back on her chair
wearily. Haruhi then smiled gently.
"Don't worry."
Just because you said "don't worry" doesn't guarantee something worth worrying about won't
happen.
"This time I won't be using Mikuru-chan's body as an offering, I only need your help this time."
Asahina looked at me with eyes as sad as a calf being sent on a truck to the slaughterhouse.
Without shouting loudly, I said to Haruhi,
"At least tell us what you want us to help on! Or both Asahina-san and I won't leave this place."
Haruhi's expression read, "What's with these two?"
She said, "I'm going to find a sponsor, it's easier to make an impression if I bring the female lead
along, right? You come too! Since you have to carry the equipment."
(Chapter 1 end)